Not so long ago and not very far away in the school community of Corn County, USA, an interim principal was hired. Ronald Stump was put in place when the actual principal and four staff members were abducted by aliens in early August while attending a New Trek conference near Area 51. In need of staff quickly, Stump did little vetting, no background checking. He learned everything he needed to know from the applications and interviews. From his shallow pool of candidates, Interim Principal Stump was sure the school board would approve his recommendations.
To replace the missing art teacher, Stump selected an auto mechanic, Rapid Roy, a former demolition derby driver. “I love art in all forms,” Roy stated in his interview. “In my garage I display pictures of dogs playing poker and a velvet Elvis portrait. Hanging in the john, posters of nudes spruce up the walls.” Rapid Roy explained he has some modern three-dimensional art in his office: “My desk is lit by a leg lamp like the one Ralphie Parker’s dad ordered in A Christmas Story.” The mechanic admitted in the interview that he has favorite colors, but didn’t want his color preference to turn anyone off since they were the colors of his favorite NFL team, not a Midwest favorite.
For the abducted biology teacher, Principal Stump will recommend an avid hunter and fisherman, Artemis Hunt. “I was named after the Greek goddess of the hunt. My dad, he was a fan of Greek astrology and I already have a cool last name.” Artemis explained further that his familiarity with anatomy is extensive: “I know how to dress a deer and turkey lickity split and I can fillet a fish clean as a whistle.” He says anatomy is no problem for him, “I have looked at people all my life.” He wanted to assure the principal though that “Those peeping Tom charges got dropped.” His love for science extended to his television viewing, preferring dramas that use science to solve crimes, “the bloodier the better,” he said. “Like those investigators, I stalk, find, and capture my prey…. Actually, I kill ‘em.” He asked in the interview if he could move his turkey fryer into the classroom to demonstrate to students the safe way to cook a turkey for Christmas dinner—after he showed them how to dress a freshly killed turkey, identifying the organs as he removed them.
Since the basketball coach who also taught political science and economics was also taken by aliens, Principal Stump would be recommending a former carnival game worker. Sammy Slyer ran the basketball toss game at carnivals and street fairs for two years. For the most recent two years he has taken over the coveted mouse game. In 2020 and 2021, “I coached my daughter’s 4th/5th grade basketball teams to 2W-7L and 1W-8L seasons. I told those girls a win is a win even if the other team doesn’t show up.” He moved to carnival work when a new coach was hired. Sammy said he used to watch basketball games nonstop even in the off season. “I’ve cut way back after losing my house and car to gambling debts and I see a gambling addiction counselor. It’s under control.” Mr. Slyer assured the Principal that his knowledge of politics and familiarity with economics are solid. According to the candidate, “Watching FAXNews and several YousTube channels has given me everything I needs to know to teach political science and economics. I even have a checkbook that I balance every now and then and a few credit cards.”
Replacing the abducted English teacher will be tough, but Stump found a likely candidate, Ophelia Livre. “I’m just so proud of the fact that my last name is French for book.” Ophelia claims to read 3 to 5 books a week, prefers the genre with sweaty muscular males on the cover. She explained that even though “I don’t likes to write, I crank out oodles of Farcebook posts showcasing the antics of my 13 cats.” She continued explaining, “I ain’t got no respect for those snippy reply writers that point out my grammar and spelling errors.” Miss Livre used to be active in two book clubs but was asked to consider finding something else to do to replace her 4th-Tuesday-night-of-the-month club. “They said I complained too much about having to read the likes of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men, Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, and George Orwell’s 1984. Such trash has no place in schools either!” she exclaimed.
When Principal Stump takes these candidates to the school board next week, he hopes the board will overlook their quirkiness and focus on their strengths. He knows he’ll have a tough time convincing a couple board members who seem to have to know everything and follow rules, regulations, and codes to a fault. Honestly, he says he’s glad this principalship is an interim position. When it’s over, he’s planning to ask the former carnival worker if there’s an open position in his traveling crew.
Here’s the Thing: Satire uses humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues (Oxford Language Dictionary). Jonathan Swift used it masterfully in his A Modest Proposal (1729), advocating that the poor sell their children as food to the wealthy class. George Orwell used it in his satirical allegorical novel Animal Farm (1945) where, under the dictatorship of a pig named Napoleon, life on the farm is far worse than before the rebellion. Today writers for The Onion, an American digital media company and newspaper organization, are modern day experts at revealing the failures and foibles of society with tongue in cheek.
I’m certainly no Swift or Orwell, but I humbly submit this piece of satire.
Let’s talk.
annaspalding1956@gmail.com
———
Editor’s Note: This is one of a series of articles and opinions written by a group of retired and current teachers — Ken Ballinger, Billy Kreigh, Kathy Schwartz, and Anna Spalding. Their intent is to spur discussions at the dinner table and elsewhere. You may also voice your thoughts and reactions via The News-Banner’s letters to editor.
