Have you ever looked at a thing and wondered what in the HECK was the inventor thinking and WHO is behind this object that is causing you such distress?
I remember one fall day in the ’50s, my mother returned from the grocery store all excited about the new packaging innovation that she found in the dairy case. She prepared hamburgers for supper and presented each of us with a slice of Kraft Singles. She expounded on the great virtue of this new idea that allows an individual to put a slice of cheese on their burger with no effort. My dad proceeded to create the ‘perfect’ burger, applying the appropriate condiments in his preferred order. The crowning glory would be the cheese. After several minutes of examining the slice, his frustration began to show as his facial color rose to a crimson red. He continued to turn the cheese slice over and over and over seeking the end of the wrapper. To no avail did the not-so-obvious seam reveal itself. His frustration got the better of him, and as he flung the cheese towards the wastepaper basket he shouted, “This thing was devised by the Communists to drive us all CRAZY!”
Thus began my lifelong obsession with analyzing the where and whyfors of things that catch my attention. I must preface these observations that I am about to share with the acknowledgement I am aware that most of these innovations and improvements of daily life have legitimate reasons for their existence; but I, considering my frustration in dealing with these items, am greatly influenced by my genetic code in making somewhat irrational assumptions at times when my frustrations have reached an overload.
I will begin with the small and very sharp Lego blocks. Every parent who has crossed the living room during the night to let out the dog can attest to the fact that NOTHING compares to the pain felt to the bottom of your foot as you step on a wayward Lego that was missed in the nightly cleanup. I know that children delight in the task of creating all sorts of structures with these colorful blocks, BUT I believe the orthopedic association is behind this instrument of torture. A visit to the orthopedic clinic is in order after hopping around on one foot, often resulting in tripping over various pieces of furniture.
A visit to a public restroom can provide a person with two opportunities to ponder the origin and reason behind baffling inventions. The first invention is the economical one ply toilet tissue. It may reduce the overhead, but it certainly doesn’t clean the undercarriage. You leave the stall with the overwhelming need to wash your hands. You approach the sink, press the lever and proceed to take an impromptu shower due to the angle of the faucet in respect to the bowl of the sink. I propose that the soap companies and the dry-cleaning industry are in cahoots in this instance.
I prepare myself as I see my relish jar reach the level that calls for going to the cupboard to get a new jar. I already know that I will struggle to get the vacuum seal to release the lid. I begin to turn the lid in one direction and the jar in the other direction. My effort is measured by the redness of my face, the length of time I have held my breath, and the amount of pain I am feeling in the hand that is grabbing the lid. I grab the rubber pad designed to assist me in this task. No luck. I tap the top of the jar. No luck. I give the jar a bear hug and twist with all my might. Then one of two things happen. I either am successful in giving myself a pickle juice bath or I decide I really didn’t want relish on my hotdog anyway. I leave the kitchen to change my shirt muttering that the laundry detergent manufacturers paid big money to someone to popularize sealed jars!
Perhaps one of the most annoying developments I have come across is the automated answering programs that almost everyone has now. It took me eight minutes to finally get to an actual person. Those eight minutes were spent listening to choices associated with possible reasons as to why I was calling. By the time I finally got to a person, I almost forgot why I called in the first place. I am not sure if they wanted me to forget or just hang up. How ridiculous was it that I ended up screaming “REPRESENTATIVE” at a machine that just replied, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that! Let’s try that again.” I am convinced that Big Pharm is behind this. There are definitely a large number of antiacids, and nerve medication consumed after placing a call.
Last but not least, I present my case concerning the heavy-duty plastic cases that engulf anything the manufacturer is convinced is fair game for shoplifters. I am very aware that this discourages people from tearing open the package and stuffing said item into their pockets. Flash forward to the kitchen of the purchaser. It requires a very sharp knife or pair of scissors to break into the package to retrieve your item. In the process, you either stab yourself with the scissors or slice your palm with the jagged edge of the package. Forget about any instructions that may be printed on the back of the package. Could the bandaid and first aid cream moguls be behind this?
Here’s the thing: There are many things in this world that seem to be designed to irritate a person during their passage through a normal day. In a world full of conspiracy theorists, a person can pass the time inventing all sorts of reason behind your irritation. But on the scale of things that really matter in this world, it may all come under the heading of “That’s life” or maybe, the Communists are trying to drive us crazy.
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Editor’s Note: This is one of a series of articles and opinions written by a group of retired and current teachers — Ken Ballinger, Billy Kreigh, Kathy Schwartz, and Anna Spalding. Their intent is to spur discussions at the dinner table and elsewhere. You may also voice your thoughts and reactions via The News-Banner’s letters to editor.
