“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always harm me.” Do you remember chanting that ditty perhaps on the playground of your youth or as words of caution to your own children? This has also been mistakenly recited as “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.” There is a big difference between the two.
I remember chanting it without thinking about what it means. After closer examination, I have decided that the meaning implies physical damage done to our bodies by sticks and stones will heal. However, damage done by careless words from others can last a lifetime causing mental and psychological anguish for the recipient.
Recently, while walking our dog in our neighborhood, I was stopped by an acquaintance walking the opposite direction who asked after my health. “Are you okay?” she asked. After assuring her that I am “just fine,” I continued on. She shouted from a distance, “Do you still have your grandson with you?” I replied in the affirmative to which she shouted from the distance, “We think your son should step up and take responsibility for his son.” I walked on.
When I got in the house, I pondered what had just transpired.
Who is the we with whom she has felt it necessary to discuss my family? Remember she is not a close friend; she is a neighbor whose backyard butts up against mine. I do not discuss my life with her. Why is she talking about me anyway? What business is it of hers what I do?
Gossip! She just revealed that I have been the focus of gossip.
Gossip is defined as pointless talk about the personal business of others. A gossip is a person who reveals personal facts about others; a person who likes talking about other people’s private lives.
Interestingly, gossip hasn’t always been considered a bad word. The word first meant godparent and was used to describe someone who told of a family’s news and developments. I have wondered about this when I see on television a godparent being the spokesperson following a tragic event.
That neighbor has no idea what arrangement my son and I have in caring for my grandson, who is on the autism spectrum. Or how I have home-schooled him when the public school failed him. Or how I have been the one to make sure he has all the therapies available to him. Or how my son works third shift in a factory and needs to sleep during the day. Or how the judge considered my availability when my son sought custody during a contentious divorce. Until you love someone with special needs, you have no idea what you will do to help your family.
That backyard neighbor who shares only a fence with me is not my godparent nor my grandson’s godparent.
I just celebrated my 80th birthday. I have been the focus of plenty gossip in those 80 years. Believe me, some of those words cut deeply and torment me emotionally and psychologically yet. Many of you can attest to similar experiences.
I know of a woman who would make a point of calling someone and asking after their well-being. Upon concluding that conversation, she would call another person, and after asking about that person’s well-being, she would share her “concerns” about the previous person. This could go on and on. My daughter and I call this “righteous gossip” as her calls were cloaked in prayer requests. On the surface it seems that she is sincerely concerned, but is she really? What is her ulterior motive for checking in and passing information on?
The ramifications of that can look like the “telephone game,” which is often played to illustrate how things change from the initiator of the statement to the last person on the chain and how the original message undergoes radical misinformation.
Why is it some people just like talking about other people’s lives? Some people make money selling gossip to the tabloids. That, of course, does not make it right. Living in the limelight makes a person especially vulnerable to gossip. I doubt that it ever gets any easier to deal with no matter the popularity of any notable person.
Here’s the Thing: Gossip is hurtful; prying into another’s life is invasive. Have I ever shared “news” about another when I shouldn’t have? I am not innocent, and I’m not trying to convey that I am.
The following advice, which we would be wise to follow, is attributed to Socrates: Before you speak ask yourself is it true, is it necessary, is it kind? Words have power; use them for good.
The incident I shared here illustrates how you are not entitled to an opinion when you are not privy to the facts of other people’s lives. Let’s rewrite the old ditty: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always harm me.”
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Editor’s Note: This is one of a series of articles written by a group of retired and current teachers — Ken Ballinger, Billy Kreigh, Marianne Darr-Norman, and Anna Spalding. Their intent is to spur discussions at the dinner table and elsewhere. You may also voice your thoughts and reactions via The News-Banner’s letters to editor.
